Thursday, August 30, 2012

There will be more intentional shooting soon, I promise. I've been busy and when I get a little down time, all I want to do is hang around with Steele. The summer is closing to an end so fast. 


Because I forgot to take a picture until I climbed into bed. Here is a grainy, dark, blurry, tender moment. 


Tuesday, August 28, 2012



There are some days that I am sleepy and lethargic and think eating macaroni and cheese is a good idea when it makes me even more tired and wanted to be motivated but felt utterly useless and drained and have a headache that lasts the entire night and begin sentences without ending them. Those are the days  that I am really glad I have Steele. Who hugs me and makes me dinner and watches TV with me and lets me stretch out and lay on his chest. And who worries about the tiny mouse we see dashing across our living room and who wanders from room to room looking for it. And who is standing at the computer right now waiting for me. 


Sunday, August 26, 2012

Incase you guys forgot, Steele is back. Things are back to normal and now it's time for me to get back to work and finish up the last few things on my to-do list. As long as I can move swiftly forward each day, I'll be happy. I want to not feel any disappointment or stirrings of regret of any kind. 

So tomorrow will commence with a long over due work out, and then journeying up to school to work on some things. I will try not to make this blog a record of my to-do lists, as I already have journals full of those. Instead I will tell you about the sky today.

Today the sky was grey. It was grey in the morning when I biked to work in the merciless wind. The sun was trying to break though. It was grey when I left work in the afternoon. It was grey when Steele and I laid down in the grass of the park on Couch Street. It was the best kind of grey, the kind of grey that wraps around you like a blanket. I love that grey sky. 


Today Steele is back. :)
We went to a photo booth. 

Now he's sleepy beside me (finally) in our bed again. 



Saturday, August 25, 2012

To be completely honest,

I did not take any pictures on day 72.

Which was yesterday.

I waited patiently for Steele to come home.

Which was today.

Onto the next day.


Thursday, August 23, 2012

My mom and my little brother got into town late last night. And with them came my camera, sent from Steele. What's strange is how much I've been enjoying just using my phone, film, and writing more. 

I have been teetering on the edge of buying a new DSLR and it's really scary for some reason. To invest so much money into something. I find myself grasping at excuses not to buy it, but I really have none. 

Time to make a decision. 


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Today I woke up early again. Not as early as yesterday, but I kept getting up every minute or so, convinced that I had overslept. Then I would crawl back into bed, fall asleep for a few seconds, and jolt back awake this time really convinced that I had completely missed work. But I didn't.

I got to work and wasn't needed, so I got to spend a few hours at this little coffee shop. I like it because, as WW says, "The remodeled space resembles a one-fifth scale model of the 3rd Avenue Stumptown, without the slightly menacing air of hipness." This place is just right. I can breathe here. 

I've not posted many blogs mid-day. I have more things to do today and I don't know what note the day will end on... But, that is part of life I suppose.

And so, onto the rest of the day.


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Today I got up early. 6:15. I got out of bed and went to the window and looked at the sky and it looked like fading ink. So I pulled myself up, put my hair in a pony tail, and got on my bike to take photographs of the river and the sky.

That's all I feel like documenting. It was a good start to the day, but the best part of my day was my Skype conversation with Steele. He just makes me light up. I miss him.

Here is some found poetry, from the drafts section of my text messages. When I'm in the middle of writing one and someone texts me back, and I stop writing and then start a new one, my phone saves the unfinished draft.

I feel I
Oh and they close
You're never gonna guess
Tell the
Nope. They
Well we could do
Call me when the g
I wanna

My favorite is "Call me when the g" I mean, doesn't that just sound like that start of a great rap song? Hmm? I think yes. Also, anyone out there who is a One Tree Hill fan, who is also a Harry Potter fan, needs to watch this.


Monday, August 20, 2012

From my journal:

Every morning I've been waking after dawn, the sheets sliding around my body as I get up repeatedly to turn off the alarm. It's like only in those half-sleep moments can I find my body without faults. I wish  I could hold onto that feeing, but it fades as I wake. It's replaced with all my little insecurities, all the people I'll see that day and without thought compare myself to. All the times I'll sit down and my jeans will dig into my belly. It's replaced with those black pants that no longer fit. I'm not doing P90X to look perfect. Maybe I'm doing it to try to keep that feeling. The feeling that this body of mine has no faults. Because after every workout, for a moment I just want to say to everyone, 'Look! Look what I just did!' Today it was 20 push ups. It's not perfection but its the sensation of fully inhabiting your body.

August 20, 2012

And I'm doing it for rock solid Abs, of course ;)


Here is a story from day 67, from my journal:

Tonight I was just standing on the Broadway Bridge. I was so high above the water. I turned around me and saw the sun setting the clouds on fire. I thought about all the beautiful things I had seen today. I thought about the ocean stretching out around me, waves licking the shore. I thought about the sky upside down. I thought about the burning clouds. I was standing there. I imagined just climbing the railing, letting myself fall off the bridge backwards. Not suicide but the freedom of being only on air, if only for a few seconds. 

I imagined surfacing for oxygen. The current taking me, climbing out wet and the walk I would take back to my bike. I took a cell phone picture and sent it to Steele. I said, 'I wish you were standing here with me.' I decided that I would stand on the bridges whenever I was upset--the closest I can come to standing on air. 

I got on my bike and rode down, then up, to Powell's. And as I was walking up the steps to the Purple room, a girl glanced at the side braid hanging down the front of my shirt. I thought about this hair. I grow this hair, I buy this book, I scribble these words. I build up this person. I live inside this head. I make choice after choice, decide things, form opinions. I build this identity. But if you strip me raw, who am I? If you take everything away. My hair. My books. My camera. This pen, my words. Who am I? Who makes this, who decided this. How unthinkable, how impossible, to be sitting in this room with these strangers. To be so known, but to be such a stranger to them. We're all really the center of our own universes. 

August 19, 2012


Here is something from my journal from day 66:

I hate that I'l forget all the details of the past few days, the past few months, the last few years, my life. They'll slip though my fingers. I wish I could pluck every beautiful, heartbroken, angry, wonderful moment like a jewel and put it in a box. I wish I could bottle the feeling of sitting by this gem of a river, this city filled with sparking lights, under this fading blue sky. Music pounding in my ears, my skirt flared out around me in a circle, my boots scruffed, my pen scribbling. I want to drink that potion later. I love, I love that I can be sitting on my couch, watching One Tree Hill, and begin to be filled with that feeling of unease, restlessness, disappointment. That I can feel those things and then, immediately, get on my bike and fly down the street and leave that girl behind on her couch. That in a few seconds, I can become this woman who has frizzy hair flying behind her, a bright yellow skirt falling around her bike seat, cutting in front of cars and racing to make it through yellow lights. I have the ability to give myself wings, and I hope I never forget that, at the very least. 

August 18, 2012



Day 65 was August 17th, 2012.
It was Ali's twenty-first birthday.

I took two pictures with 35mm film.
One of the cake I baked her.
Another one of the cake, candles lit, Ali making her wish mid-blow.

This color reminds me of Ali:


Friday, August 17, 2012

Yesterday was so hot, it was hard to breathe. The air hit you and wrapped around you like a blanket when you stepped outside.

But the second half of the day held an event for the Crafted in Portland project that I've spent the summer working on. It was an awesome feeling being there and seeing it completely finished. It is insane to see so many people taking cell-phone pictures of something I worked so hard on.


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Today was a day. It wasn't a good day, or a bad one. Just a day. And it was another day in which I took no pictures. I needed to be alone with my thoughts. Crrr left unexpectedly this morning.

Here is something I acquired today, for all my new thoughts. Thoughts of school. Thoughts of my thesis. Thoughts of building a website. Thoughts of all of the things in my head. Which will now be here, in this new book. 

In fact, today I recorded some thoughts. I will compose you a poem, found poetry from my thoughts. 

A cocoon
(an entire story)
know my place there.
my chest is constantly expanding. 


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

There's nothing necessarily beautiful about riding the Red line out to the airport. It's not something you can photograph. It's just an inner peace. You don't have to worry about your stop coming up unexpectedly. You're just there. Heading towards going away or towards someone you love coming back. 

Today I was heading towards someone I loved. 

And so, there's nothing necessarily beautiful about the Red line coming back into the city. But then the space beside you is filled again. Today the space beside me was filled with Crrr. 

Recently I have come to love the phrase "growing pains" I love that it describes pain with a positive word. Growing. I love that growing is openly acknowledged to be painful sometimes. Relationships are not self-sustaining entities. This applies to friendships. Recently I have been ignoring that. I get so busy and it is so easy to neglect the things I love the very most, including people. 

But today I picked Crrr up in the airport, and there were hugs and giggles, but there was also the inner peace of being with a friend. It is the peace of knowing the person besides you knows you. Of being known. That kind of peace. 

It isn't a thing that can be photographed. So today is a day for words. 


Monday, August 13, 2012

I left my keys at Alis house this morning and was stuck outside my apartment. Luckily I got them back. I went to school to scan a bunch of film, and was carrying them around with me to get into our studio. Keys are so strange. They're just little unrecognizable things that let you into all these neatly separated parts of your life. House. Mail. Studio. Parents house. Bike. Like a little ring that holds everything important to me on it. 

How often do you get all of those things on one little ring? 

I did these images with the scanner at school. I'm really pleased with the weird distortions that happened because of my slight movements. They are strange and real. I like what happens when I don't have a camera. Also, when I have to problem solve. I was just going to do a straight-up scan of them, but thought about it and realized putting an image of my keys probably wasn't the smartest idea considering how open I am about my life on this here internet. So I decided to dangle them down and I'm way happier with the images. 


Left is a smoothie, Right peanut butter. 
Pretty much sums up my day with Ali. 
(Just add the cheesy movie)

Being with Ali is refreshingly normal. Which is why I like her. 


Steele has now departed, taking with him my camera, which he needs to take pictures for his thesis. So here's the program for the next 10 days: I will still be shooting 35mm film. Since I can't post that everyday, I'm going to be posting pages from my journal and/or more writing. This page is about the night of the 11th, and in my book that counts for day 59. The 35mm film will be posted as it comes. 


Friday, August 10, 2012

It's crazy how much wearing a nice skirt can brighten your day. Of course, it might just be the color of this one. I don't normally wear such bright colors but I attended a clothing swap yesterday and scored no less than 4 awesome skirts.

Today is Steele's last day before he leaves to go home to Colorado for a bit. We spent the morning on our bed avoiding the lava floor and it was great. Lots of smiles and laughs and kisses. I love him. 

My best friend is coming into town in a few days though and I'm looking forward to that as well as some time to myself to accomplish the last few things on my summer to-do list. Maybe paint a bit. Organize the apartment. Spend some of my hard earned money. Work on this project and the goal I have put off the most, building a website. I am thinking, slightly, a little bit, about moving this blog to wordpress because it seems like a good platform for me to start off for a website, not having much experience or whatnot. Any thoughts on that? Loyal followers? Hmm? My archive could transfer over which is a major plus for me. I'd like to not lose the last 4 years of this blog. 

Anyways! That is all for now. I seem to be in a chatty mood today. 


This blog is not a diary.
A completely average wall in my house. 
(Made completely un-average by the fact that it's mine.)
Fear held tightly in my stomach.
(Made poetic with words.)

Everything here is non-fiction, but fictitious. The second I put anything into words, it become fiction. In some small way. When I was a kid I always got the definition between fiction and non-fiction confused. It didn't make sense to put a 'non' in front of something that was real. At least to my small mind. 


Thursday, August 9, 2012

I didn't take any pictures yesterday. Instead here are two artifacts. My test strips from the color darkroom class I started. And a page from my notebook. I can't believe these came out of a darkroom... It is the most surreal experience. You can't have even a safe light on, and so you're printing in complete darkness and it's like sensory depravation. You tape little glow pieces onto your shoulders so you don't run into everyone. 


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Steele's had a sick tummy, so we've spent the day in bed resting and I've been making him tea. And trying to cheer him up. 


Yesterday I went to the river with Ali and Molly. My two oldest friends here. When I'm with them I can hardly believe it's been three years since they came into my life. There's such a peace in knowing someone. 


Driving back from camping, I finished reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Steele reached his hand back while driving to hold mine. The sky bloomed pink. I can't explain the feeling of finishing a book. My heart twists and I have this urge to turn inward and pull every word inside me. I want to mourn for the book. I want to lay it on my chest and know that there is an entire world resting on me. 

This happens always, with every book, but the important ones really do stay inside me. 


Three of my sketchbook pages held together. I've been drawing sketchy self portraits and they come out different every day.

In the hammock at Kates. 

The house and a stray spark.

The boys.

We went up to a friends parents house for her going away camping party. It was so very nice and relaxing. There was real food, and grass, and a big fire, and a blue sky.


Friday, August 3, 2012

Today Steele & I hosted a birthday party for me. It was quite nice. It was cereal themed. There were lots of people I loved eating cereal which is always a good sight. And there was homemade chocolate cake with tall candles. 


Also I love having the house so clean, haha. Enough good reason to throw a small party. 


Thursday, August 2, 2012


Related to the image shot on my birthday. I quite like this, but would like to see it in person. Printed. I'm having problems resizing down to 800px and its really frustrating. My image will be fine, even as a jpeg, then when I resize it to 800px it become quite pixely. The image you see here is right, but I had to upload a higher res version to Flickr and link it. Hmmph. 

Enough technical rant. 

Today was a strange day but it ended nicely. I am looking forward to getting into bed. 

Fourth of July film (Film 21/365)