Sunday, March 31, 2013

In the blue hour today. I am trying to remember if I'm the same person as I was three hundred days ago, but I can't recall exactly who that was or what her dreams were or exactly how salty her tears were. Maybe every day is just the process of regaining myself. Each night while you sleep the day fades off and you wake up not knowing exactly who you are. 

Today it took the clear liquid air blowing on me to feel like I knew. I laid in the grass and looked up at my camera on the tripod against the cool blue sky and felt I doubled into myself--for that brief 1/20 of a second I was a photographer and a subject merged. Looking down and looking up. 


Yesterday I got to school early in the morning and the campus was abandoned. I got off the bus, feeling pretty good, and collected a bouquet on my way down to the studio. The past week the weather has been so nice and the last place I've wanted to be is school, but walking through my empty campus I was hit with such an intense wave of sadness and nostalgia. I will miss this place so much. I wanted to just lay down and hug every path I've walked, press my palms against all the walls, soak up the familiar smell, just breathe. These four years have been such a joy and I can't even really begin to imagine what my life will be like without this place. It will move, I will move on, but I'm sure that won't be the last nostalgia wave to pass over me. The tide is just coming in. 


Saturday, March 30, 2013

From day 288--

You get to unwrap all the cloudy grey layers of Winter off. You pull off layer after layer of heavy fog, layers of dark nights and cold beds, layers of early sunsets, and underneath it all is a tree blooming with cherry blossoms. Under all the layers of Winter is a city of blooming trees and light breezes. You peel off the dark nights and each day the evening sky gets lighter and lighter. And every year it's presented to you like a gift, Spring.  

(wrote that on my phone notes yesterday while in the car taking a roundabout route to a neon shop with Ali. I promise I will get back on track with posting. Today. Swear it!)


Friday, March 29, 2013

Sometimes I am working my way down my to-do list, and my mind wanders. I pick up my a photograph that I have pulled a pin out of. I hold it up to my eye, an experiment, can I see anything through the little pin-hole? I can. I knew I would be able to. Then I wonder if my camera would be able to see through it. It can. Then a short journey outside to take photographs through a tiny pin-hole pressed up against my lens. Little petri dish photographs keep popping up on my camera screen. Like tiny microscopic things, or like the moon, or like the sky in a bubble. 

And then I have to head back inside to finish my to-do list or to find other ways to distract myself. 


Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Today was my brother's last day in Portland. He heads back to finish up his spring break by sleeping and watching TV, and I stay here to finish my spring break with working everydayallday. (Minus maybe a small trip to the coast.) 

Having my brother in town means I sleep a lot more, work a little less, and laugh a little more. (As if I resort back to being a teenager when he's sleeping in the same place as me.) It also means I take pictures like the one's above and below. 

He's easy to entertain. He sort of just sits on the couch while you work. Also he downloads movies for you. 

Dropped him off at Union Station and walked away feeling pretty lonely. (It didn't help that I had left my iPod at home.) Siblings are a strange thing. You live with them for a lot of your life, and then boom! You move away from each other (literally and metaphorically) and come back together for these short periods of time. And then move away again. 

So I walked around the city for a bit, which was nice and springy. (It was the best kind of day today--cloudy but warm.) Tries (unsuccessfully) to find a good pair of black jeans. And then came home to an empty house.


Yesterday was day 285.
I didn't take any pictures.

Here's what I did...

Slept in until 11. (Brandon's a bad influence apparently.)
Picked up my newly resoled boots. (And the computer charger I left at work the night before.)
Worked on my thesis paper. (Finding quotes to use from research sources.)
Made macaroni and cheese. (From scratch.)
Watched Easy A with Brandon. (Even though he's apparently seen it a million times.)
Looked through my hard drive for old images. (To use in a piece.)
Made hamburgers for dinner. (The entire apartment smelled of hamburgers after.)
Got ice cream. (Mint chocolate chip.)
And watched another movie. (This is 40, which I liked a lot.)

Excess parentheses make me happy.


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

My little brother's in town. 



Monday, March 25, 2013

Today my socks matched my shirt. 
And I felt really cool. 

Drank two cups of coffee. Ate some shortbread. 



Saturday, March 23, 2013

Today I woke up, and Steele and I spent the morning cleaning. (I also took a bath, Steele was a gentleman and drew me one up.) Then he left for work, and I stayed at home, read a few blogs and made this lemon lavender shortbread. Which was quite nice, and tasty, and relaxing. I like to cook and bake. It's nice to take time for yourself like that. I might even get crazy and make some muffins before tonight's over. 

It was good to spend some time relaxing. I finished the second season of the TV show, The Killing. (Which is a slow-paced crime drama.) I sat down at the computer afterwards and realized I had no outlet for obsessing about it. I don't have a Tumblr, so I couldn't go reblog a bunch of pictures. I don't have a Twitter, so I couldn't tweet about it. I went so far as to write up a Facebook status about it, but couldn't bring myself to publish. I even searched The Killing on Pinterest. Nada. Nothing good. Why is it that we feel like we need a public declaration to make something worthy? Maybe that's just my generation. I've been publicly declaring since I was 13. Whether it be heartbreak, or happiness, or what I'm eating, or even what I'm watching on TV. I have the good sense to  be aware of it, but you can't fight instinct. Or you can, and then you get a whole ranty paragraph about it on your personal (semi-beautiful?) blog. 

So to cap it off I'll just say that I spent the better part of the past hour painting my nails. Half-moon style, which was apparently a big thing back in the 30s. When it was unlady-like to cover your whole nail with polish. I'm pretty smitten. 

Now for those muffins.... 


A little change to the header, which is a nod to my new website! I will link here when it is ready for viewers, right now it is bare bones, but I'm pretty excited about it so far.

A website is kind of a big deal for me, I get insecure about those sort of things, worry that people will scoff at me for taking myself so seriously. But. It is time. I have such a huge archives of images, and this blog which is growing ever larger and larger. I need a place for clarity, to see the little images piling onto each other and making a story.

So, it goes.

Also it's professional ;)

Anyways, no pictures today (besides a few shots with the trusty Pentax) so my words will have to suffice, again, as usual.

Oh! Actually, I will post this image from two days ago, that I didn't post (it didn't belong with the images in that post, but maybe it belongs here.)

I am forever having a love affair with tracing paper. 
And also, light.


Friday, March 22, 2013

It's spring. And flower stealing time once again. 

Tomorrow kicks off "spring break" aka, crunch time to finish my thesis. But my brother is coming down for a few days, so that will be a welcome break. 


Wednesday, March 20, 2013


From tonight, he was doing the dishes. I am so incredibly lucky.


Tuesday, March 19, 2013


Monday, March 18, 2013

So, this was actually taken yesterday. I didn't take any photos today despite all the blooming trees around me. This one is nice too, though. 

Today was strange, long and late. But it ended with a clean house and a bath, so that's good. 


Sunday, March 17, 2013

Hey look! I actually took a picture today. 

So, the thing is, Steele has a lot of pants. He works at Levi's and comes home with them all the time. He's all like, "Hey honey, I'm home, guess what! I bought a pair of pants!" And then I scoff. Recently he's been trying to beef up his shirt collection. Too many pants, too little shirts. 

Tonight I get into the car, and we're driving along. Then Steele says, "I did something you're going to be mad about." And in my head I'm thinking that he probably bought that video game.... Starcraft? Or something? Usually when Steele has "done something" it means that he's "purchased video games." This time though, he's all like, "I bought more clothes." 

Upon which the only word in my vocabulary becomes, "No." 

And then I mount the defense, after Steele has graciously given me permission to have an opinion about how he spends his money. "We're supposed to be saving for our trip! That shirt could be half of a nice dinner! Do you know, I actually feel guilty for you." And then a little later, my arguments dissolve into, "You never even buy me a candy bar!"

We walk up the stairs, through the apartment. We walk in the door and I see the Levi's bag sitting on the stool, all nice and stapled up, and decide that even though I can't have any say in how many shirts he buys, I will at least get to vigorously rip open the bag. Right as I'm opening it I say, "What if you just told me it was a shirt and really it's a present for me?" 

And then I rip it open. And inside is a dress for me. 

I definitely did not cry. At all. Not even a few springy-leaky tears. You know the kind that just can't help coming out. 


Friday, March 15, 2013

Had a lovely and simple morning with Steele. 


Thursday, March 14, 2013

You know what's strange?

That sleep becomes this thing that separates days from each other. But really it links them together. I was thinking about how I needed to post both these blogs today, and then how it was so strange that they were separate blogs, and how sleeping last night would actually be in both of them. Because I woke up feeling really good, I let myself sleep in, and really sleep is the thing that connects our days. But also separates them. It's a strange thing, sleep.

So I don't have any pictures for you.

The truth is there wasn't really a moment about today that sticks out in my mind. Sometimes I have this singular moment that I remember. Today was just a big blur. A good blur, but a blur. Filled with lots of people, and lots of different light. Lots of conversations. Lots of little breezes. (From the spring air.) Lots of laughing, lots of sighing, lots of collecting myself up together and saying, "Okay."

Phil told me today that he thought I was taller than 5'3". I told him maybe I was 5'3½".


I missed posting yesterday. It's crazy, yesterday was actually a really productive day, but at the end of it I just wasn't up for posting a blog. So, since I feel no true prose will come out of me tonight, how about a list..

Things I did yesterday (Day 272)
-I woke up early to go to work.
-I worked in my studio a little bit in the morning.
-Then Steele was a little bit sad so we went home for lunch and cuddled.
-I picked yellow flowers. (See photos below.)
-I went back to school for an engagement that then fell through,
-Which gave me more time to work.
-Fueled by my gift-like time, I felt motivated.
-And completed a lot more than I thought I would.
-And then felt really good about myself.
-Made a 8:15 bus home.
-Made soup for dinner.
-Watched a few episodes of lost.
-And collapsed into bed around 11 (early for me.)
-While Steele finished a paper.
-I didn't even wake up when he came to bed.


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

A study of something completely normal. 

My paper bag, that held a jar on my walk home from work. 

Today was actually a pretty good day, although I accomplished little in regards to thesis. Steele & I got up to class early, and bought some cups from the cup sale! (Which is happening tomorrow still, cups for $10) And then went to class, came home and ate a snack before work. When I left work today it was still light! That has to be the most blissful thing ever. And then I did a quick bit of yoga and cardio, took a shower, and made a really good (albeit really late) dinner for Steele and I. 

Whew. That was an "And then" paragraph. You know the ones... and then, I did this. And then, I did that. But sometimes writing everything out makes me feel accomplished. I do feel pretty accomplished in fact. 

I just wish someone was handing me a cookie right now.


And the panic begins to set in.



Monday, March 11, 2013

Me: Was it really daylight savings today?
Steele: Yup. It really was. 

So apparently it was daylight savings time today, and I didn't even know. I did wake up at 9:40 feeling pretty tired, which Steele says should have clued us in. I rolled out of bed pretty quickly to go to a free yoga class near my house. Yoga was good, but hard. I'm really new to it and have really only been doing it once a week, but I want to start doing it more. I enjoy it a lot more than I thought I would.  I'm already feeling sore and I'm sure I'll be even more sore tomorrow, but it's nice to know that my body can do stuff. 

I spent most of the afternoon at a coffee shop downtown, working on my thesis paper and hanging out with my friend Ruby. It was much needed and even thought  my page count is as slow moving as ever, I actually feel like things are happening now. I wrote a lot more about my research today, here's a good quote: 

“If we wish to know about a man, we ask ‘what is his story—his real, inmost story?’—for each of is a biography, a story. Each of us is a singular narrative, which is constructed, continually, unconsciously, by, through, and in us—though our perceptions, our feelings, our thought, our actions; an not least, our spoken narrations….To be ourselves we must have ourselves—possess, if need be re-possess, our life-stories. We must ‘recollect’ ourselves, recollect the inner drama, the narrative of ourselves.”  (Oliver Sacks, The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat, p. 111)

I did not take any pictures. I did make Steele and I dinner though, and resisted the temptation of dessert, and did not resist the temptation of starting to re-watch LOST on Netflix. 

This post if kind of long and rambly. (Rambly is not a word, just so you know.) 

Oh, it was not sunny today. Daily weather report! It was cloudy, and slightly sprinkly. 


Sunday, March 10, 2013

The best part of my day yesterday was a brief walk up to the grocery store. It was so sunny!

I mean, I guess the cheese pastry I had for breakfast was pretty good too. 

My eleven-year-old self

Saturday, March 9, 2013

You guys are in for a treat today. Below are a few entries from my language arts journal from 6th grade.

I was 11 and it was 2002.

Prepare yourself.

I wish my mom didn't care about my "tone of voice" so much she drives me crazy! She's always on my back about talking in a "nice voice," If my brother doesn't care how I talk to him then why does it matter? We all have our own way of talking, right? And she gets mad at me when my voice is going away or when I'm losing my voice. I mean she has the same problem she just won't admit it. And my brother sticks up for my point but she won't even listen to him, can you believe that? 

I'm glad I got 10/10 on this journal. I think it's an easy grade but I'll have to keep up the good work or my grade could drop! 

You know what I want to know, why do they call dog dog? And why do they call blue blue and not green? I mean, did they just make up all these words that I'm writing? So who knows, that's what I want to know!

Today I get to see 7th grade drama present Beauty and the Beast, because I'm in 7th period Performing arts. But I only get to see one of their rehearsals, the real show is tonight. I think PA (performing arts) is okay, but I don't really like to preform. Some people hate to preform, they fear it more than death, even though you shouldn't fear death. It (death) mostly doesn't hurt, the most common cause of death is heart problems. That's all today. 

Today I just want to write words. 
stick bus eagle flag red chain green Christmas fairy turtly cowboy credit card cape river fun laught silen reading write backpack hair mess paper book repost pen pencil gel-pen colored pencil blue. 

That's enough words.  


Friday, March 8, 2013

Today is was sunny. 

Spring is here for the weekend, it appears. I stayed inside and cleaned the house. I baked a loaf of bread, which meant a lot of waiting time. I watched some Sex & the City, and some Downton Abbey. 

And now I'm off to Ali's for the night. 

I apologize for my lack of words. I most definitely should have launched into a poetic paragraph about the slanting sun on the kitchen wall. 


Thursday, March 7, 2013

This is sort of how I felt tonight. 

Sort of inadequate. 

99 days left. 


Yesterday, day 265. A sort of landmark day, since it signifies the mere 100 days remaining in this project. Of course I missed it. Now there are only 99 days left, and hardly, since today is pretty much over. Anyways, yesterday I had an Ali day. 

An Ali day is a day in which you ignore all responsibility and spend the day wrapped in a blanket, reading/watching movies/whatever else strikes your fancy. I mean this in the most loving way possible, because I love Ali and all her days. 

I did manage to make it out to dinner, which was really fun. 


Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Had a bad day, nothing specific. 

Just early busses, and nonsense classes, and snipes, and rain. 

Hope tomorrow's better. 


In the studio. Memory traces. 


Monday, March 4, 2013

Sunday was a nice day, as usual. It involved: 

Weekly Sunday brunch with Ali and Jules, 
Writing sesh in which I managed to write no new pages, but did edit things and move stuff around, 
Movie watching with Ali. 
Date night with Steele, 
He cooked me dinner,
We lit candles, 
And we started planning for our summer trip. 


Saturday, March 2, 2013



Friday, March 1, 2013

So far today has consisted of, 

A morning at home, running errands with Steele. 
Picking up and dropping off boots to be resoled. 
A meeting about the thesis catalog. 
A coffeeshop visit. 
A broken down bus, we had to board another one. 
(This meant stepping outside at a point I don't ever get to.)
And now, the front desk for the rest of the night! 


The last day of February. 

My days have been full to the brim and all-body exhausting lately.

But March, this is the last stretch. Just one short month until my thesis orals.