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Saturday, April 20, 2013


Today I did a little work study at the accepted students reception.... for accepted students. It was mostly mingling with prospective students, with a little lecture about OCAC thrown in. It sort of made me feel like I was starting over again, at the beginning. Which is a scary and comforting thought. 

I spent a nanosecond talking to Phil. Sort of about the future. And all my strings being cut. My stomach has been doing a lot of flip-flopping these days. One second I feel like the whole world is a head of me and I can have and do anything I want to. Then another second I feel like crawling into a dark hole (my covers) and hiding from all my responsibilities. Somehow, I'll get through this. I just wish I knew how right now. 

Here are things that are said to me on a daily bases. 

Everything will work out. 
You're going to be fine. 
You're gonna find something great. 
You're going to kick ass!
I'm sure you'll find something. 
Etc. 
Etc. 
Etc. 

I really just want a plan. I kind of feel, another metaphor, that I'm standing with one leg on one ledge, and the other leg on the other ledge, and the ledges are getting farther and farther apart, and if I don't just jump onto one, I will rip in half. 

I just read that metaphor out loud to Steele and asked him if he felt the same. Steele says he doesn't have a metaphor for how he feels. You know why? Because he isn't over thinking his situation. While I applaud Steele for this, I am not the same. 

For a lion my courage is small and takes a long time to make its way to the surface. 





(What about you guys, you readers? Have any insights into panicking about the future?)

4 comments :

  1. I think the most simple, common sense way I've had it explained to me is that it's all going to happen. whether it's this way or that, good, bad, how you want it or not how you want it. it's all going to happen, so why waste your time, good energy, life, worrying yourself about it? if it's good, then fantastic, if it's bad, then you learn to accept that change and work with it. it's all just getting good at accepting what is.
    maybe read some alan watts or a book about zen buddhism?
    you won't regret it!

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  2. When I graduated from both undergrad and grad schools, I didn't have a clear idea of my future. I knew what I did not want, which at least was a driving force. But I did line up a number of scenarios that would tap my energies. NONE of them had funds attached to them -- instead free rent or use of equipment -- but they were opportunities to be somewhere and do 'my thing'. I did these things on the blind faith that the money would follow. In both situations (after undergrad/after grad) I became flat broke more than once. But my needs were miniscule and I was able to survive month to month until paid employment clicked in. I never did a job (well once) that wasn't somehow related to my newly-earned skills. This small fact has been more important than anything, as it kept me in contact with the objects, tools, people that I wanted in my future. So my advice: plant lots of seeds, don't worry too much about money but rather on limiting your expenses, find the people who inspire you and offer your services. You will probably get paid before you know it.
    I hope this helps.

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  3. Brittany,

    I wish someone (anyone!) would have prepared us as children for these ambiguous 20-something years. We're always warned about the hormonal dangers of puberty and the teenage years, but nothing about the 20s. And these (especially for our current generation) are sometimes the most horrific and confusing years. I wish you luck, as I'm still trying to figure out my own. I'll be 26 in July and I'm still having random bouts of panic attacks and "where is my life going?" internal monologues. Unlike myself, you're graduating college (ahead of the game!), and you'll have a tangible piece of paper that screams, "Dammit look at me and look at what I can do!", and with this I think you'll do just fine. Personally, I constantly find myself torn between a steady income and health insurance, and the beautiful allure of the starving artist. Here is my advice for you; stop and take long, deep breaths whenever you can (I do this a lot), live within your means and always, always have a growing nest egg that's tucked away where you can (almost) forget it, continue to create (even when it feels like the most difficult thing in the world), make smaller short terms goals (within a week, within a month, within a year, within 5 years), and most importantly continuing moving forward. You will figure it all out, and don't worry so much, they claim it gives you wrinkles (that's why I take primrose evening oil). You're brilliant, and it only gets better from here.

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  4. The scaredy parts of your lion come from your secret badger shining through.

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