303/365

Saturday, April 13, 2013

I re-read my post from day 98 the other day, (right here)

I feel like all my notions of school are slowly breaking down and at the end of this year I'll be left with a little pile of broken walls to go out into the world with.



I'm having a hard time formulating my thoughts from the past two days. I am pleased, so pleased, to have had my orals, and passed, and heard Mark say, "Congratulations, you have successfully completed your thesis." But I also feel a little like those walls I was talking about in September are broken, and I do have a pile of broken walls, and I'm a little unsure of how to go out into the world without my walls. 

Metaphors are the only things making sense to me right now. Broken walls. I also feel a little like, I had this pillar of support under me (and still do, from a lot of places and people) but still, just a few bricks in my pillar have been pulled out and the whole thing is about to collapse and I'm just teetering, and wobbling, and I know I'm going to fall. 

I know I'm going to fall. 

I guess that's the thing. I guess now it's up to me. To figure out what makes me happy and fulfilled. To support myself. (Both literally and metaphorically.) To go out into the world and take my first steps without my walls built up around me. I'm scared. And I know how much painful growth has to happen in these next few months, and years, and hours. I know that my heart will have to grow and burst out of it's skin and then new skin will have to stretch tight over it, and then it will all happen again. I know I'll be growing out of my skin for, the rest of my life, probably. 

Another from this day because it just makes sense. Look at that sad little pile of trash in between those chairs. Have you ever seen something more limp?

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