Sunday, May 12, 2013

Yesterday, day 331, I cut off all my hair.

There has been a lot of unease in my life lately. I wish I could go into more detail about that now, but I don't have the heart to sit down and try to give this blog answers I don't have. So instead it (this blog) has been an accurate representation of my head: fragmented.

Somehow this is all linked to my hair, I swear.

The thing about my hair. Well, the thing about my hair is that it is (it was) long. It's incredibly straight and tangles easily. Every night before bed I would have to patiently stand in front of a mirror, coaxing the knots out. Except, sometimes I wasn't so patient. Sometimes I would get mad, and frustrated, and just rip the knots in half. The thing about my hair, is that it can be so many things. It can be a bun, or a braid, or wait, it can be a french braid, or a crown braid, or a ponytail, or wait, wait, it can be pigtails, or it can be wrapped around a headband, or it can be half up, half down. Or it can just be all down, getting in my way all day, trailing behind me. I realize this is why most people grow their hair out. It's why I did, at least, one of the reasons. But I've had enough of it, really. Enough tangles, enough mornings waking up and saying, "What should I do to my hair today? How should I wear it?"

Now there is only one way to wear it.

I went to a little hair studio called Primrose on Lovejoy and 18th and had a woman named Emily tie it into 5 little ponytails and cut them all off. The whole morning I was so nervous, big flowers of nervousness would bloom in my stomach every so often. But when I got in that chair, I wasn't nervous. I didn't really feel anything. And then all my hair was gone, and with every snip of the scissors I felt like hair, this thing I have spent the past four years growing, didn't really matter at all.

With short hair I feel more purposeful. Like I know what I'm doing. It's an illusion, of course, but an illusion that makes me feel better right now. No hair to anxiously twist around. No hair to braid and pin. No hair to get in my face. No hair to hide behind.

I wish I could say that when all my hair was gone, all my fear was gone. That would be a nice closing statement to this blog post. It's not true, of course.

But still, it is a weight off my mind and makes me feel like I'm traveling in the right direction.

Also I know it is a big teaser to post this without having any pictures, but I just haven't had the time to go out and do a proper portrait session, and I'd rather not post a mediocre image... So forgive me for that!

1 comment :

  1. Hair is such an interesting thing. We spend so much time growing it out, only to cut it and feel more mature. We also find courage and cut bangs and then spend so much time growing those out and feeling more mature without them.
    And then you miss feeling silly and carefree and you grow it out or cut those bangs again and again.


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