throwback thursday

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Because I am a nostalgic creature, here are some bits of me, gathered from around this time, in the past:

And lastly, I will leave you with this Myspace blog entry. From my 16-year-old self: 

January 30, 2007 - Tuesday 5:52 PM

the dust has only just began to fall 
Current mood: restless
Maybe life is about the split second moments. Everyday when I walk to Study hall the window in the staircase makes a square of sun on the wall. Its like it's letting a little bit of life into this white empty brick staircase. Another 20 minutes and that light would be gone. Sometimes I wish I could blink and take a picture. Capture the moments that happen once, the moments that define life but more often then not people don't even notice.

a one hundred percent ordinary day

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Today was a completely, one hundred percent, ordinary day. I don't even have any moments to tell you about, like waking up early and enjoying being productive. The sky was cloudy today so I can't write about the sunrise as I drove to work. And though there were puddles pooled in the parking lot of my building, I left with too little time to stop and stare down in them, so no musing of the my reflection will be had. 

Instead I woke late, clamored out of bed with a sleeping Steele beside me, and put the kettle on to boil. (Before washing my face, this matter of timing is a small victory in the habit of my morning routine.) I dressed, choosing the socks I would wear (chunky or invisible?) and put my shoes on. I like to clack around the apartment in the morning, imagining I'm a busy business woman off for a day at the office, very important things. 

Next, after a drive to work, the sky like a blanket, comes eight hours we can subtract from today. Those hours are spent at a desk with a few precious breaks in-between. Like a person who goes to work in an office, my days are spent: typing, taking, gossiping, reading, sighing. I'm reading a book right now that makes my stomach hurt with the issues of human morality, and somehow that makes the slightly boring everyday conversations required of me more cherished. It baffles me how many humans exist. And not just as numbers, but as people. How strange and obvious. 

Everyday at precisely 2:30 I feel so motivated. I think, only two hours left and then I will be free to do all the things I want to do. I think I will go home and sit at my desk and I will be so productive. And then 4:30 comes along and I trudge out and sit in my car almost wishing I could just sleep or sit before turning the key and making the drive back. And then I arrive home and all I want to do is eat cocoa puffs straight out of the box and sit on the couch. 

But Steele and I made a dinner of steak and potatoes, such a one hundred percent ordinary dinner. We even ate while in front of the TV. I know it sounds kind of sad and pedestrian, this boring ordinary dinner. But that's okay, because despite what it seems, every day is not exactly the same. And this Wednesday is not like any other Wednesday, and will never be like any other Wednesday. 

into stillness

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Driving at night is beautiful, 
and peaceful.

The way you pass seamlessly one freeway to another

like hands loping gracefully through the air.
One gesture sweeping into the next,
without hesitation.

It's also the way you let your momentum carry 
through the curves
The sheer physical force of the car's motion is abstract

You're flying, really

And it's the way you go fast 
as long as possible. 
Waiting until you're almost upon the stoplight to apply the brakes

And then that backward push 

as the car settles into stillness.

us : 1/12

Thursday, January 16, 2014

In keeping with my new years resolutions to take a portrait of Steele and I every month, here's Januarys. 

It was taken this past Sunday, right before the first playoff game that the Bronco's played. (Which we won against the Chargers, yay!) Football is something I never liked much growing up. I hated how loud the announcers were, and how a 12 minute quarter took a million real time minutes and how pointless all the rules were. I would go around telling everyone my favorite team was the Raiders just to piss off my dad. 

I don't think I even started liking it until a few years ago when I began watching the games with Steele. It's good to invest time into the things your significant person enjoys. Even if it's not your cup of tea at first. It brings you closer together. (Not to say you shouldn't have your own hobbies and interests.) 

I still hate how loud the announcers are, it still baffles me how many time outs there are, and I have to ask Steele about a million times what rule means what. It took me ages to figure out what a first down even meant. But the thing about organized sports is how they draw you in. Even when we're not the ones playing, we get competitive. And I suppose it's also a matter of pride. Something about the way you refer to your team as "we." Like you're actually a part of the team and not sitting on the couch. 

(simple things) to be inspired by

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The sky

This playlist

This lovely blog

Post it-notes (Or, more accurately, finding the beauty in simple and utilitarian objects.)

This tattoo artist's portfolio (I particularly like the tattooed blood oranges.)

And of course, the low morning mist, even when you don't have time to photograph it.

debt owed : beginning payments

Saturday, January 11, 2014

It's 1:59 in the morning and I just submitted my first student loan payment. $365.96, which happens to be almost the exact same amount of the paycheck I received today. 

I feel like I just dropped a drop of water into a deep black pool. It's strange to be at the very beginning and to know that this will become such a part of my life, every month. Right now it feels foreign. 

I am lucky enough to have acquired a job that will cover at least, my rent and this payment. It's a temporary job, so I'll have to find something new in a few months, but for now I have some semblance of security and my loans aren't quite as much of a panic-inducer. Like I said in my last debt owed post (which was months and months ago) this is a relationship I'll have likely for the next 20 years, so I need to be okay with it. Obviously my stand point thus far has been denial, denial, denial. 

I don't really have that luxury anymore with my monthly payments rolling in. Which is nice. It's not a luxury really. Denial is a box. A blindfold. What I need now is forward motion and clear eyesight. 


This series is not a perfect view of how to deal with your student loans. It's my documentation of my own experience with it. 

a place to belong

This image is from a few months ago--lost on a roll of film I recently got developed. I scanned the film and remembered with such clarity taking the image. I was standing by a river and turned back around to where Julia and Ali were sitting. When I saw it I thought I could post it here with a little story I wanted to get down, so I don't forget it. 

I was in Powell's with Steele, looking for books, walking up and down the aisles. My phone rang with a call from Julia, which I answered. It took a second for us to get connected, and then all the sudden she was talking about her flight being delayed, and I was very confused, until I realized that the voice speaking was Ali. And then Julia and Ali were both talking, and we were all talking over each other, Ali and I not realizing for a moment that we were on a three way call. 

I was laughing--I was that person slouched against a bookshelf, making too much noise, with a phone pressed up against my ear. Both my best friends talking to me, and all three of us laughing. How strange a place to belong, on a three way call. 

winter adventure no. 1: our six year anniversary

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Winter Adventure No. 1 was going to Lake Trillium on our six year anniversary. We decided to do it the night before, Steele sitting on the couch and me perched at the desk. We had a full tank of gas and I was decked out in new boots.

To be honest, I think my favorite part of adventures like this is the drive to and the drive from. There's just something so nice about the open road, forward motion, and the abstract notion that the only thing that exists is what's in front of you.

Really the biggest adventure of my life has been this six year long relationship. Learning to be with someone never really ends, but I am thankful everyday for the sweetness it brings into my life. I've found love to be like a shell--sometimes it grows off of you and falls away, but in my experience another shell always grows up and replaces it. It may have different strong points and different weak spots, but the love I have with Steele is always something tender and something I cherish.

(Also the song is off Typoon's newest album, White Lighter, which is amazing and has been playing on my drive home from work almost 100% of the time.)


See all the adventure films:

summer adventure no. 1
summer adventure no. 2
summer adventure no. 3
fall adventure no. 1
fall adventures no. 2 & no. 3

hello 2014

Thursday, January 2, 2014

We build up the New Year to be such a big thing. When truly, it’s just another day, another piece of the week, of the month, of the year. But it’s how you think about things that make them. If you build up this day, it becomes something more than just another day. It becomes a fresh start, a clean slate. It becomes a new page with nothing written on it. No blemishes. Not smudge marks or creases or stray words.

I know this fresh start, this clean slate, this new page isn't really new or clean or pure at all. I still woke up New Years morning with all the same flaws as the day before. But there's something inspiring about so much mental energy being put towards making our lives better. 

I'm just a sucker for resolutions. For lists and plans and goals. When I start making them I can get out of hand. When I sit down and think about all the things I'd like to change about my life, the list gets long. Lots of things appear on it like:

Wake up early
Blog more
Photograph more
Cook healthy lunches
No more binge watching TV
Spend less money
And on
And on
And on

These lists aren't realistic. They're all valid things. I would definitely like to do these things. But I can't make a list of resolutions like this. 

So instead I'd like to make a resolution that is broad, that sums up all of these little goals. I love the idea behind Elise Blaha's one word for the year. And I started thinking, if I had just one word for 2014, what it would be.

Positivity means not being afraid to stretch my limits. Positivity means forming dreams without hesitation. Positivity means making sure my daily life matches my long term goals: filling the cracks of my day with writing and photography and cooking. Positivity means not allowing myself to fall into a slump; which is helped by waking up early, and eating healthier. It means all of the things in my list above, except with less emphasis on more and more emphasis on my state of mind. 

Of course, I have plans and goals, and will make more. Right now I have three big specific ones:

1. Take the time to shoot a portrait of Steele & I once a month. (It's sad and surprising how few portraits there are of us together from recently.)
2. Continue to make the monthly adventure videos, with vigor and excitement. 
3. Cleaning out my hard drives. (This probably requires a whole post of it's own, so I'll leave it at that for now.)