learning to survive

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

from 2012 Brittany, constantly having to reload the beginnings of her film.
I have this thing that I've mentioned before, about not talking about my job here on the blog. It makes complete sense. This is a personal blog, and obviously I have personal feelings about my job, but those personal feelings aren't always professional to share on the internet where everyone can see and read them.

It can be a bit lonely though. When I started blogging here I was a full time student and I could share 100% of my life here if I wanted to. A blog is not a full picture of a life, ever, but the important parts of my life were usually reflected here. Sometimes the really hard and really personal parts were bared for everyone. (Or just bared for my tiny group of readers.)

Since I graduated so much of my time and mental energy has been put into employment. Into finding a job, keeping a job, and generally figuring out how to survive. It has taken up so much of the past year and a half. I just did my taxes and I had five W-2's sent to me for 2014. Five! Obviously my transition into quasi-adulthood hasn't been the most graceful.

When I was still in school, I wrote this post about having anxiety about the future: One second I feel like the whole world is ahead of me and I can have and do anything I want to. Then another second I feel like crawling into a dark hole (my covers) and hiding from all my responsibilities. Somehow, I'll get through this. I just wish I knew how right now.

I (still) don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Just like 2012 Brittany I know that I'll get through this. But also like 2012 Brittany, I just wish I knew how.

Right now, I'm employed. I won't go into the details of my job, except to say that it's not what I want to be doing with the rest of my life. Right now, I don't have a ton of time to make art or pursue writing more seriously. (More importantly, I don't have a lot of mental space to pursue these things. i.e. I'm stressed out.) I know those are the important things. (If money were no object...) However, I also know that I have to make money somehow, that I have to survive and not sink into depression/lose my spirit/have daily anxiety in the process. Right now, I am at a loss, feeling generally like a damp washcloth that has been wrung out too many times.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, or how to end this post. I don't have some shiny motivational note to end on. I know that this change and this transition has to come from within. As much as I would like someone to tell me exactly what path to take, that just isn't going to happen. (Although feel free to leave some very solicited advice in the comment section, you guys, seriously.) I can only hope that in two years 2017 Brittany is reading this post knowing that I pushed through towards something worthwhile, something I'm happy doing, something fulfilling. (Or at the very least, something that allows me to buy a house. Just kidding. Sort of.) 

2 comments :

  1. Brittany,

    Your always-honesty is so refreshing to read on the interwebs. You haven't lost sight! And are way more adult/employed than I am. Go you. I can't wait to read your 2017 post ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you thank you thank you. It's weird when you're in the haze of your own life and it feels very hard to see ahead.

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