life update + 5 photos from right now

Monday, April 6, 2015

The day after the first night I got drunk I wrote pages and pages in my spiral bound journal. I was feeling anxious about the whole thing, I was feeling the growing pains. I was 14 or 15. I had that feeling in the chest like something was stuck there, something heavy. So I took a blue pen and wrote and wrote and wrote. I'm not sure I wanted to start writing. But I wanted to be the kind of girl who kept a journal, so I felt I owed it to myself. But what happened was that as I filled up those pages, that heavy weight pressing on me became lighter and lighter until I felt okay again. I felt like I knew who I was. I think I ended that entry by writing, "Now I remember why I like this thing."

I have that same weight pressing on me right now. It's the feeling I get when things are changing, and I'm growing, but I want to stand still. It's just like I'm 15 again. And I've been writing. I still keep a journal. But I now know that it helps keep me sane, and that it's not just the kind of girl I want to be, it's the kind of girl I am. So I write and I reconcile my life.

Now I have these two spheres, that private reconciliation, and this public one. I love this blog. I miss it. But the past month I haven't known how to write about everything that's been changing. That's what happens when your life spreads out around you.

So, as usual, a list. Because I can understand that and it's an easy enough place to start:

>I filled up my journal. I had been keeping it since I moved out to Oregon in 2009. It's a strange feeling and I have many thoughts, so expect more in another post.

>I left my social media jobs. This is probably not a surprise considering one of the last posts I wrote. It was a swift change, and now I'm working in the floral department of a local grocery chain. I'm enjoying working with flowers again but of course it's always a bit of a process learning a new routine. First and foremost though, this job (while not a forever job) does not give me any anxiety. This is such an important thing for me right now. (Work is such a tough thing for me to write about on the blog and that's hard because it's such a huge part of my life. Leaving those jobs was a huge decision and change for me, and it sucked that I couldn't write genuinely about it. Not because it was a bad situation, just because it made me realize a lot about who I am and what I might want out of life. But unfortunately job type stuff is jut not really appropriate for a public blog. Sigh. Growing up things.)

>One of our mice, Frances, had to be put down a little over a week ago. Again, so much more to say here and this deserves it's own post. I was grieving more than I ever expected to and it was an intense period.

>I've been in the process of buying a new camera. I thought I had settled on the Nikon D810, which is a professional grade full-frame DSLR (ugh, I must say that I hate camera shop talk.) I bought a set up (with a generous loan) and was shooting with it for two weeks. But it was the worst camera for me. It was much much too large. Of course, the quality was wonderful, but I was completely uninspired by it as a tool. I really should have rented it first, but I deluded myself into thinking it was going to be the right choice. So. I returned it. I was worried that I would regret not having something so professional, but honestly I feel 100% that I made the right choice.

>This past weekend I rented a Fuji XT1 mirrorless system and I loved it. The quality of course, won't be as impressive as the Nikon, but the camera itself is inspiring an it's still such a huge upgrade for me. I intend on purchasing my own later today. So expect more images, and a personal project or two!

>Steele and I rearranged our bedroom! (Not super important, but still, a change.)

>And throughout all, I've been listening to the new Sufjan Stevens album Carrie & Lowell which is absolutely amazing. I was hooked after the first 20 seconds. It's one of those albums that you know immediately will stay with you forever.

So much more to come, you guys. So much more. For now I leave you with 5 photos I just took on my cell phone in Powell's cafe right now. And yes, I did get some weird looks. And yes, I did feel a little awkward. But all for the sake of remembering.

1 comment :

  1. Hi ! I'm about to finish Gilmore Girls and life is freaking me out! May write you another letter without receiving yours, haha.


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