captain's log

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

This past weekend I went out of town to visit AJ for her baby (!) shower. I got back late Sunday night and had yesterday and today off. Steele was also out of town, and he's not getting back in until tonight. As such, the past two days have felt like weird non-days that aren't real.

So anyways, I think I promised a log. I woke up and took this photograph at 8:41. When Steele's not here I tend to stay up too late in an effort to exhaust myself so I fall asleep without him. So the mornings can be a little sleepy. But I got out of bed this morning because I had a coffee meeting scheduled with Phil, my former thesis advisor.

I always come out of those meetings feeling a little more clear and steady. I still feel so shaky after graduating (as evidenced by many of my recent posts) and meeting with Phil or Mark or Karl always makes me feel better, like I actually have a purpose. Today was no different, and after Phil left I stayed and worked on a new piece.

After which I met up with Alex, who I met while working at Pigeon Toe, and who continues to be a friend. That sentence is so unbearably serious for Alex's personality. To give you some context, she is listed under "Alex Sparkle Princess" in my phone. She brought me the most glorious bunch of magenta sweet peas. (Please note: florists still appreciate getting flowers.) We got some food and hung out at the park watching for baby ducks but instead I became obsessed with this branch, and of course, my shadow.

Then I headed to Newspace to print the piece I worked on all morning. As always, there is something so nice about making prints and feeling in control of the process. (Is this how painters feel when they're mid brush-stroke?) I split a pack of paper with Jules and so had a larger size and better quality paper to work with.

Is this getting boring? Maybe?

Well, after I packaged my paper all back up, I headed home and opened the back door in the dusk light (I meant to photograph the grey sky, but forgot) and put the sweet peas into a tiny little vase. (I tried a jam jar first but it was too large.)

And then I cleaned, cooked a late dinner, watched a few episodes of Sex and the City, and read a little bit of fan fiction. (I'm having lots of thoughts about fan fiction lately.) I sat down to edit these images, and write this post, and now here we are, at the present.

I have a few last things to finish up the piece I made today, and then I will get in the car and drive the familiar drive to the airport, where I will kiss Steele for the first time in 5 days.


Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Tonight I had one of those clinking moments.

You know the kind. Where it feels for a second like you're building your life, like all of the tiny parts are clinking together, and forming something real. You feel like all of the ordinary days you're living through, all of the silly details and fears and joys and risks and insecurities are worth something. (And you feel like you know yourself in that mess.) If you could picture this for a moment, it would be like stacking one tiny glimpse of a day onto another onto another and another and another. Until you can step back and see a wall, or a house even, something tangible. Something that you built just by living.

Most of the time I get caught up in all of the tiny glimpses. Sometimes that means that I think I'm not worth anything. Sometimes that means I think I'm far more on top of my shit than I am. The truth lives, as always, in the middle ground.

But anyways, tonight I had a clinking moment. I was at Julia's watching TV and then talking about art. Afterwards I took the route home. I picked the right music (Daughter, as per) and the night driving was fast and liquid smooth. The way home is ingrained into me by now. I felt like I knew myself. I felt like all of my ordinary days were clinking together and building something real.

I'm not holding my breath for tomorrow, but tonight I'll go to bed warm and sated and calm.


Tuesday, May 12, 2015

The past week I've been taking a photograph in the morning. Really it's just a little project to hold myself accountable to making a photograph each day. The sleepy slow time of morning seemed like a good thing to document, there's some sort of naïveté in the way I see things in the morning. I'm less likely to judge myself or let insecurity come over me. (No, that's for the evening time.)

I'll be posting these all to my website daily but will try to post a weekly recap here of a few images. Follow them on my website here.

Here are the first eight.

May 5, 2015 / 8:59 am

May 6, 2015 / 6:31 am

May 7, 2015 / 8:57 am

May 8, 2015 / 8:05 am

May 9, 2015 / 7:18 am

May 10, 2015 / 7:58 am

May 11, 2015 / 9:35 am

May 12, 2015 / 7:18 am

camping by the sea

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Mementos from a quick weekend camping trip to the coast a few weekends ago. Steele and I headed out after everyone else and had to race the incoming tide. We camped on a little cliff next to a creek (that spilled over and ran into the ocean.)

My sweater smelled like campfire for weeks after. This is the good life.

when seemingly ordinary objects are transformed by light

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

I'm not sure why, exactly, the view of this stop sign from behind made me pause and raise my camera to my eyes. I mean, I guess I do know why, it was the way the golden evening light reflected back from that cool metal. The tree behind it absorbed all the light instead. And so the sign became white while the tree became black.

And of course, there's the sentimentality of it. Steele and I were on a walk on Sunday evening. up through the fancy neighborhood that we live on the edge of. Every time we go for a walk in that neighborhood, our conversations are always centered around what we think of this house or that one, would we like to live there? Little tiny dreams. So anyways, I guess this photograph is a memento. Of that (somewhat) perfect day.

Steele and I rarely spend the entire day together. (Mostly a blessing, sometimes a curse.) Even on this Sunday we parted in the middle. He went to basketball while I went to the gym for Pilates. But we both came home and cleaned, meal planned, did laundry, listened to a podcast on the bed. The calm doings of an ordinary life. We went on this short walk before going to the grocery store.

That night I had a small panic attack about money. (Because obviously.) But I calmed down, and we made strawberry galette (the absolute best) and I continued reading Harry Potter. More calm doings. Now it's Tuesday, so that day is a little bit in the past. The galette is gone. But I still have this photograph.

in which I make some proclamations

Friday, May 1, 2015

Because I feel a little bit like I'm stuck in place, I will force myself to think about this post from almost exactly a year ago, in which I was finally feeling a little bit like myself after 6 months of hell working a desk job. And while a lot of things are still the same (I still feel, rightly so, that this blog has been neglected. Maybe it will always be that way in the spring?) some things have changed. Namely how I spend my days. So today I will go put an apron on, and cut the stems off flowers, and haul natural debris around, and the sun will be bright and warm and I will drive home at dusk, and be grateful.

And I will try to be a little gentler on myself and let myself flounder a little bit, and mostly I will try to get back to digging deeply and figuring out who I am. For step one of that I present you with a self portrait I took about a week ago. I should really do a round up of the self-portraits I've taken since graduation. Most of them have been me, hiding. Or else they are shadow selves which is a whole other layer of hiding. There are the few where I am staring into the lens, but I'm always a bit awkward, like I'm staring into the eyes of a stranger. Starting a new series of self portraits is something I'm planning on doing. So more to come.

Happy May everyone.