Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Tonight I had one of those clinking moments.

You know the kind. Where it feels for a second like you're building your life, like all of the tiny parts are clinking together, and forming something real. You feel like all of the ordinary days you're living through, all of the silly details and fears and joys and risks and insecurities are worth something. (And you feel like you know yourself in that mess.) If you could picture this for a moment, it would be like stacking one tiny glimpse of a day onto another onto another and another and another. Until you can step back and see a wall, or a house even, something tangible. Something that you built just by living.

Most of the time I get caught up in all of the tiny glimpses. Sometimes that means that I think I'm not worth anything. Sometimes that means I think I'm far more on top of my shit than I am. The truth lives, as always, in the middle ground.

But anyways, tonight I had a clinking moment. I was at Julia's watching TV and then talking about art. Afterwards I took the route home. I picked the right music (Daughter, as per) and the night driving was fast and liquid smooth. The way home is ingrained into me by now. I felt like I knew myself. I felt like all of my ordinary days were clinking together and building something real.

I'm not holding my breath for tomorrow, but tonight I'll go to bed warm and sated and calm.

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