2015 is gone

Friday, January 15, 2016

Hi.

It's January 15, 2016.

January is basically over, or so I keep saying. But I still haven't really processed 2015. It seems a little late to do so, but I can't bring myself to post anything else until I do, either. A weird limbo.

One of my resolutions for 2015 was to write every day. It was a resolution I failed spectacularly at. As a result, I slogged through the later half feeling really out of it, like I hardly knew myself. I am beginning to realize that these growing pains, the growing pains of being a human, might never really go away. I guess I always thought they would. The word growing implies growth, which implies a state at which you have grown, and are done growing. Alas.

2015 was a big year, and it wasn't. Here are some things that happened:

–I left my day jobs, again, and got a new job, again. This time it has stuck and is thankfully not stressful and something which I leave at work when I come home.
–I moved into a studio space, then worked my ass off to put on a group show with my fellow artists and friends.
–I got engaged and began planning a wedding.
–I moved into a big house with Steele and all my closest friends.
–Our two mice Frances and Quincy died. I got a sunflower seed tattoo for Frances. Quincy tattoo pending.
–I moved out of my studio and into a new one.
–I started a zine club.

A lot of these things I haven't written about here. A lot of them have passed, and the words won't come anymore. A lot of tiny things happened too. Things like driving to work, sitting on the couch, watching TV, cooking, kissing Steele, building fires, looking up at the sky, waiting for it to rain, bemoaning the sun and the rain and the cold and the hot.

The truth is that for the past few weeks of 2015 I was desperately unhappy. I could look at my life on paper and understand that it was good, and that I had all the things I needed (and most of the thing I wanted!) but it wasn't clicking. I felt like a stranger to myself. I still feel like that, a little bit. It's not the best way to start a new year. It's not a finished ending, but when is it? I keep saying that all I can do is push forward. So that's what I'll keep doing. Being a human. Pushing forward. And trying my best.

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