wingardium leviosa

Sunday, August 6, 2017

A week ago I turned 26. The sun made another trip around the Earth, around me. Or rather, the Earth and I made another trip around the sun.

Listen, it’s not like anything’s different. I think I know that now. (As much as anyone can know anything at the age of 26.)

As I get older I have to fight harder to live in those tiny dewdrops where everything melts away. The world isn’t real. Time doesn’t matter. I’m floating in a river and I never make it downstream. The suspension happens so fast I miss it more often than not. Steele smiles and laughs at something Peter says. I levitate for a moment. I lean into Ali’s shoulder for a photograph. The candles on my cake won’t stay lit in the wind. I read the pile of love notes that accompany my many tiny and beautiful gifts.

I’m trying to let these moments rule, but gravity always pulls harder. It always comes in a menial form. My student loan payment increases. The cars need gas, again. Tiny kitchen ants. The unrelenting heat.

But for now we can talk of birthdays. For the third year in a row I requested a grilled pizza party. This time, in our own backyard. This time, Julia wasn’t here so I made all the dough the night before and spent my birthday morning baking an almond rose cake. We walked to the farmers market near our house and bought a small bag full of edible flowers to put on a pizza.

And just so I won’t forget it, I will tell you of the radicchio salad that was bright pink with raspberries, prosciutto, and shallots. I looked down on it and thought, what a beautiful salad. I should photograph it. But I didn’t. So now I’ll write about it. Also the pizza with ricotta, summer squash, and flower petals. It was beautiful, really, all of it. A whole evening can’t float but this one tried really hard.

Gravity always pulls me down and truthfully I spend a lot more time walking on the ground than I do levitating. Or as Watsky puts it, “But as time advanced the lovely days were covered up from view/By an advancing melancholy haze that hovered near the dew”

I’ve grown to know this see-saw of contentment, wonder, and anxiety will always be quivering and dipping from one side to the other. No matter how many things in my life are stacked on one side, there are always a few on the other. It doesn’t make my life bad, or sad, or tiresome. It just is. On the eve of my 27th birthday I have no doubts that I’ll still be playing this game, trying to balance them. Sometimes failing, and sometimes succeeding. I also have no doubt that there will always be the little dewdrop moments. I’ll try to remember them. I’ll photograph as many as I can. I’ll let them stack up, and I know in the end the scales will tip in their favor.

No comments :

Post a Comment

Hello! I love & appreciate getting comments. I often reply directly, so click the "notify me" box or check back if you want to.